Freaky Friday Jokes @ ExplorOz

Freaky Friday Jokes

Submitted: Friday, Jul 02, 2004 at 06:57

Troopy Travellers (NSW)

EXAM
The doctor was surprised to find old man Jones sitting on the bed holding up his middle finger and sticking out his tongue. He walked over to the nurse who was taking his vitals. "Excuse me," said the doctor, "but why is Mr. Jones sitting like that?" The nurse replied, "I told him you were going to examine his sexual organs."

FULL GLASS
A visitor to a bed-and-breakfast inn in the country awoke early one morning to find the farmer and his family still asleep. Slightly irritated at not having his breakfast ready, he took a glass and went out to the barn to try his hand at milking the cow himself. Later, on his way back into the house, he met the farmer and his wife who had just come downstairs to begin the day's work. "What were you doing out in the barn?" the farmer asked. The visitor replied, "Well, I woke up at eight o'clock and you were still asleep, and breakfast wasn't ready, so I thought I'd go out and milk the cow myself. It took longer than I thought it would, but after a few minutes, she finally filled the glass all at one time." He then took a long drink from his glass and asked, "Say, what kind of cow is that, anyway?" "We don't have a cow, son," the farmer replied. "We have a bull.".

TERRIBLE LOVER
The wife appeared before the judge and said, "I want a divorce from that jerk over there." The judge said, "Why do you want the divorce?" "Because he's a terrible lover." The judge asked, "How long have you been married?" "Fourteen years," she replied. "I don't understand. Why did you wait 14 years to divorce your husband for being a terrible lover?" She said, "Because, your honor, until this insurance salesman stopped by my house last week, I didn't know."

FEAR OF NEEDLES
A guy went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled. First off, the dentist said he would give the guy a shot to numb the jaw. But the guy said he was afraid of needles. The dentist said, "Okay, I'll get out the gas to put you to sleep." But the patient said he was allergic to gas. So, the dentist said he'd look for something else. After awhile, he came back with a couple of pills. The guy asked what they were. The dentist said, "Viagra." The patient said, "What? Why these?" The dentist said, "They won't put you to sleep, but they'll give you something to hang onto while I pull your tooth."

BLONDE WAITRESS
Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She's the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.

TODD'S ROOM
The college dorm advisor heard strange noises from Todd's room, well after lights-out. He knocked on the door and said, "Todd, are you entertaining in there?" From behind the door, Todd answered, "Just a second I'll ask her!"

SMALL CIRCLES
A woman goes to the doctor's office. "Doc, I've got a strange problem I need your opinion on." "Could you describe the symptoms to me?" he asked. "Well, it's easier if I show you," she said and, standing up, proceeded to undress. When she was down to her underwear, she sat on the edge of the examining table and spread her legs to reveal two small green circles on her inner thighs. "They don't hurt or anything, but I was a little worried about them." The doctor peered closely at the two circles and said, "Are you a lesbian, by any chance?" he asked. Embarrassed, she replied, "Well, yes, I am actually. Why do you ask?" "Well," said the doctor, "I'm afraid you'll have to tell your girlfriend that her earrings aren't real gold."

BAR AND G SPOT
Q: What's the difference between a bar and a G spot?
A: Most men have no trouble finding a bar.

POWDER
A man takes a pair of underwear out his dresser, and is surprised to see a "cloud" of dust appear. As he shakes out his underwear, he calls to his wife, "Honey, why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" The wife replies, "It's not talcum powder. It's Miracle Grow."

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Where to go and what to see next........?

Member: Lapsed Membership

AnswerID: 66096 Submitted: Friday, Jul 02, 2004 at 07:57

Bitsumishin - Mike A (WA) replied:

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.

She descended a bit more and shouted: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied: "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.

You're between 40 and 41degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," Said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The man below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Reply 1 of 7

AnswerID: 66102 Submitted: Friday, Jul 02, 2004 at 08:44

Sparkie replied:

Four Drovers are sitting around a campfire discussing what they'd want; if they were lost in the outback and were only allowed one thing. The first says, "I couldn't do without my trusty old horse. She could probably lead me to a homestead from the back o' Bourke."
The second says, "You can have your horse but I'd want my swag. If your gonna be lost you may as well sleep warm at night."
The third says, "There's no question. I'd want my old Queensland Heeler 'Blue'. He's my best mate and if I was gonna die out there I'd want him beside me."
The last old bushie says, "Only one thing I'd need -- a pack of cards.
See, I'd start playing patience and before long some bastard would be looking over my shoulder saying "Red Jack on Black Queen."

Sparkie(IE not Y) ;-)

Reply 2 of 7

AnswerID: 66123 Submitted: Friday, Jul 02, 2004 at 10:25

Nudenut replied:

Being a proper Tru Blu supporter

A man had great tickets for the 2004 AFL Grand Final. As he sits down,
another man comes over and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to
him.

''No,'' he says. ''The seat is empty.''

''This is incredible!'' said the man. ''Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this for the Grand Final, the biggest sporting event
this year, and not use it?''

He says, ''Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed
to come with me but she passed away. This is the first football match
which we haven't been to, together, since we got married.''

''Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the
seat/''

The man shakes his head. ''No, they're all at the funeral.''

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"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and
says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

Member: My Profile
Trader: collapsible dog cage with plastic base tray

Reply 4 of 7

AnswerID: 66135 Submitted: Friday, Jul 02, 2004 at 12:24

Savvas replied:

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting
for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient,
but the airport staff has assured them that the pilots
will be there soon, and the flight can take off immediately
after that.

The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle,
dressed in pilots' uniforms - both are wearing dark glasses,
one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his
way up the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads
through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit and the plane
starts up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching
for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.
None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and
people at the windows realise that they're headed
straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it
begins to look as though the plane will never take off,
that it will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the
cabin - but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the
air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly,
and soon they have all retreated into their magazines
secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says,
'You know, Bob, one of these days they're going to
scream too late, and we're all gonna die.'

Reply 5 of 7

AnswerID: 66169 Submitted: Friday, Jul 02, 2004 at 17:55

Bonz (Vic) replied:

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as Gods. Cats have never
forgotten this.

Question:
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burnedout bulb?
2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me.
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please please, please!
7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a lightbulb?
10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ...
13. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
14. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a littlecircle ..
15. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it.

> By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
>

The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change
lightbulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can
expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS
HAVE STAFF.

What is a Cat?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a Dog?
1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of
Furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but
don'thear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give
you a kiss.
9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

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Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Lifetime Member: My Profile

Reply 6 of 7

AnswerID: 66234 Submitted: Friday, Jul 02, 2004 at 22:25

Member - Bernard replied:

Call-up of all Women by the Australian Government

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Taliban male to see any woman other than his wife, naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does.

So this Saturday at 4 p.m. eastern time all Australian women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, and to demonstrate that they think its okay to see nude women other than their wife and thus show their support for all Australian women.

And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.

The Australian Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God bless Australia.

It is your patriotic duty to pass this on.

Reply 7 of 7